How do you typically handle conflict?

While you may be unable to prevent conflict, how you approach conflict is within your control. The first step in creating a conflict plan is understanding how you typically approach these moments. Do you find yourself stressed and overwhelmed by conflict? Are you energized or defensive? Do you feel the need to win the conflict, to have your needs met, or to have your voice heard? How you approach conflict in general, gives you clues as to what you might want to adjust as you consider how you, as an adult, will handle it.

Ask yourself:

• What is your typical reaction to a conflict?
• What are the benefits of reacting this way? How does reacting this way work for you?
• What are the costs or issues of reacting this way? How does reacting this way limit you?

Who do you find yourself in conflict with most often?

Part of understanding your conflict response is to know who you have conflicts with. Think about who you are in conflict with most often. What is it about the other person that leads to conflict for you? For example, do you tend to find yourself in conflict with authority figures, like your parents or supervisors at work? Do you have friends that you often disagree with? Are there things that lead to conflict for you- for example, specific topics, behaviors, or situations?

Understanding the things that lead to conflict and the negative feelings that you associate with conflict can help you with a plan to deal with conflicts before, during, and after they happen.

Ask yourself:

• Who do I find myself in conflict with?
  What situations, topics, or behaviors tend to lead to conflict in my life?
• How do I feel during and after a conflict?
• What type of behaviors do I try to resolve (or avoid) conflict?

Conflict and College

Using empathy in your approach to topics and other people

We typically share values and history with those in our family, neighborhood, and communities. These can help us avoid or manage conflict, especially when we understand how the people around us think and feel.  Your faculty and other students may have led very different lives that you have and that can shape how they talk, their body language, the words they use, and how they react to what you say.

In college, people come from a wide variety of backgrounds and have different values, motivations, and expectations. Language, even common words, can be interpreted differently because of proper experiences and how and what a person has learned. Knowing this can help you slow down and practice your empathy before reacting.

Empathy is a key element of living and working with others. Unlike sympathy (feeling for others), empathy allows you to take on and feel with someone, deepening your understanding of what the other person thinks, feels, and experiences. When you empathize, you recognize the other person’s feelings, thoughts, and experiences and can take their perspective. Doing this makes you more likely to resolve conflicts, feel connections, improve relationships, and benefit from other people’s knowledge and skills.

Empathy: the ability to accept, understand, and share the feelings of others

Empathy benefits you by

• building deeper, more authentic relationships
• ensuring you can accurately interpret and understand what other people communicate
• creating connections with classmates and instructors to ensure you have people to work with
• supporting team structures that function with healthy boundaries, expectations, and communication

The three types of empathy can help you as you work with people in college (and beyond).  You can use:

• Cognitive empathy to take on someone else’s perspective and accurately identify what they feel or think as you learn new topics, listen to your instructor and classmates as they share their thoughts and experiences, or encounter new ideas that challenge your own beliefs.
• Emotional empathy to identify what someone feels and then feel with them as you hear about personal or historical events, global or local situations or build relationships with others on campus.
• Compassionate empathy to react to others in ways that can help them, including classmates who could use your assistance, community groups looking for help and membership, and activities that allow you to support your campus community.

Regardless of how you focus empathy, it starts with the intention of understanding someone else. You’ll use empathy when reading about other cultures, historical events, and both local and global current events. You’ll use empathy when collaborating with others and interpret what your faculty share. You’ll also use empathy when solving problems as part of class activities, as understanding the problem (and who it affects) is a key step in any problem-solving process.

Approaching others with empathy, intending to understand and help them succeed, can prevent conflict, as you are slowing down and listening. If a conflict happens, taking specific steps to be empathetic (listening, asking questions, confirming what you heard, offering support and help) can help you move past the conflict and work collaboratively to a good solution for everyone.

Having empathy can help you avoid conflict or find a way to move forward if there is conflict.

Building empathy

The ability to empathize varies among people. Like any skill, you can improve your empathy level.

Some things to try:

• Use active listening to ensure you accurately interpret what people are saying.
• Ask questions to clarify and deepen your knowledge of what the other person is experiencing, thinking, and feeling.
• Practice perspective-taking to help you envision what a situation might feel or look like for someone else.
• Try new things and experiences to expand your perspectives.
• Reflect on your own and other people’s experiences and reactions to help you understand yourself and others more deeply.

Empathy is vital in your relationships with others, and learning to work from a place of empathy will improve your relationships with others. When you can recognize what someone else feels and understand their perspective or position, you are more prepared to work through conflict and find solutions that work for everyone.

Showing and accepting respect

How do you know if someone respects you? How do you show respect to others? The signs of respect can be different based on age, background, and culture, and what you might see as respectful could be interpreted as rude or even disrespectful. For example, eye contact. In some cultures and situations, eye contact is a mark of respect, while in others, eye contact can be considered rude or challenging. In some situations, eye contact can even be threatening, while lack of eye contact is considered respectful. It is hard to know how others interpret your words and body language when it comes to respect, but there are some general guidelines on college campuses that can be helpful.

Respect: the recognition that other people’s work, thoughts, and experiences are valuable

As a student, you are expected to show basic respect to the people around you. While you may hear the idea that respect has to be earned, a more productive way to approach respect is to think that all people and their ideas deserve to be considered and heard. The people around you should show you basic respect as well.

Some guidelines for showing respect:

• Acknowledge when someone joins you and include everyone in conversation and activities.
• Pay attention to what others say and do, including non-verbal signals.
• Call people by the name they used to introduce themselves.
• Raise your hand to talk during a class discussion or lecture (unless your instructor has explained otherwise).
• Avoid interrupting when others are talking.
• Admit when you make a mistake, and work to fix your mistakes.
• Be clear in your language and expression when talking with others.
• Listen actively and consider other people’s ideas fully.
• Give credit to people when you use or discuss their ideas or work.
• Do not comment on people’s bodies
• Do not touch other people’s property.
• Make appropriate eye contact (remember, this can vary based on who you talk to and the situation).
• Acknowledge other people’s needs and feelings.
• Value people’s time by starting and ending meetings on time.
• Avoid making decisions for others; allow them to make their own decisions.
• Offer assistance and help but be ok if it is not accepted.
• Acknowledge people’s strengths.
• Avoid name-calling or making fun of people.
• Focus disagreement on ideas, not a person’s morals, values, or cultural background.

Respect does not mean you always agree or hide your thoughts and feelings. It does mean that you show that you value the person and what they have to contribute. In a group, you will not agree with everyone, nor should you, but you should listen to understand and then speak to clarify and create a productive environment instead of attacking them because you believe you are right.

What if a person disrespects you or does not listen to your ideas?

Being respected can be important to you, but reading how others feel about you is difficult. Instead, look at their cues (use the guidelines above). It also helps to consider why a person may act in a way that feels disrespectful before you react. Many times, what we interpret as disrespect is not meant that way, and our immediate reaction of feeling ignored and unvalued (and the emotions that come with that) could be avoided if we asked for clarification.

You will likely encounter someone in college who does not listen to you or value your ideas, experiences, and opinions. If this happens, you have to choose how to deal with it. Though you may feel angry, upset, or disappointed, it is important to take a moment and slow down before you react.

When you feel disrespected, you can manage your emotions by:

• Slowing down and taking a moment (even if you need to walk away)
• Considering their intention (Did they mean to disrespect you intentionally? It’s usually a good idea to assume that disrespect was unintentional)
• Checking  your reaction (Is your reaction reasonable given what they did or said? Are you reacting out of stress or emotion, or because this is a particularly sensitive topic or area for you?)
• Reframing the situation by realizing what this says about the person who disrespected you.
• Deciding if you want to engage with the person (it may not be worth it)
• Reminding yourself why you are working with this person or friends with them
• Talking to a friend or mentor to get another perspective

If you decide it is worth confronting someone who disrespects you, focus on improving the situation. Stay calm, as being emotional will escalate the conflict. Know what you want from talking to them, and share that. Set your boundaries by using language like “That wasn’t funny,” “That’s not ok,” “That was unkind,” “What a rude thing to say,” or “Why would you say that?”  If necessary, explain calmly, clearly, and briefly what you are reacting to and share what you want from them. If you want something done or replaced, ask for it.  Using “I” statements is helpful ( I felt __ when __ ), for example, “ I felt disrespected when you showed up an hour late for our study group” or “It’s not ok when you make jokes about my family, and I want you to stop.”

When interacting with others, be sure to act respectfully, referring to people how they ask you to, recognizing their abilities and input, listening to what they say, and ensuring that everyone has an equally valued chance to participate.

Communicating effectively in college

Communication is at the center of college learning. You’ll learn by listening to your instructors, reading materials, working with others, and using concepts and skills in your work. Since communication is so important to your learning, there are many chances for conflict. Ensuring that you communicate effectively, both transmitting information and receiving information, can limit the possibility of conflict.

Communication is a two-way process- with one person (or group, reading, video, etc) sharing information and another receiving it. The information- or message- can be shared verbally, in writing, and through body language or other non-verbal signals. For communication to be effective, the message must be sent and received so that both sides share the same understanding.

College communication is formal, even outside of class. How you talk on campus is usually more formal and reserved than you would in your home or social situation. Communication in college is expected to be:

• Clear and easy to understand
• Formal and following specific academic formats
• Detailed with specific information related to the work
• Supported with evidence

Effective communication results in both parties sharing the same understanding.

Communication can be verbal, visual, or written.

• Verbal or oral/spoken communication relies on both the words you choose and the non-verbal signals you share unconsciously (such as body language, facial expression, and appearance). Your audience will pay more attention to what they hear or see and less to specific words you use unless they are offensive.
• Non-verbal or visual communication refers to communicating ideas or feelings through body language, position, movement, gestures, and how you interact with space or items (like slide decks). This communication is largely unconscious, and you read non-verbal cues automatically. Your tone of voice is one of these areas that is often unconscious- the tone you use can reinforce your words or give them a different meaning.
• Written communication is complicated because you are not there to present your ideas or provide non-verbal signals. Writing can easily be misunderstood, which is why revision is so important. Your writing communicates by the words you choose, how you arrange your ideas, and what you include (and leave out).

It is important to know that there is no universal right way to communicate. Communication changes based on culture, environment, relationships, purpose, and content. What is good in one situation may not work in another. One of the reasons communication is so difficult is that people’s expectations are unspoken and powerful. We often judge others based on communication and cues we are not aware of. Observing what people do and say and how they write before deciding what you want to do makes sense.

It is important to remember that your tone matters and that some words should not be used in a college environment. For example, you should not use racial slurs of any type in classes or on campus. Using gendered or sexualized language, such as terms that imply gender or are associated with stereotypes (positive or negative), is another area that you should avoid.  Likewise, disparaging terms for sexual orientation and gender identity should never be used.  Sometimes you may feel that you can say these types of things because you are a member of this group.” In a college environment you’ll likely avoid conflict if you avoid these types of statements.

What you say, how you say it, and what you do not notice can all affect how someone receives your message. Ensuring that others understand what you mean can avoid conflict.

Slowing down (instead of reacting quickly) is important for effective communication. By slowing down before you react, you can use empathy, demonstrate respect, and be aware of the situation- all of which will help you react in a productive, helpful way. While this may not prevent conflict, it can lower the amount of conflict and increase the chance of collaboration.

As you prepare to communicate with others:

• Know your communication goal- what do I want to share and why?
• Consider your audience- who will receive this message, and what do I know about them?
• Decide how to best share your message- what words and method will work best for my message and audience?
• Consider how context (where you are, what is happening at the time) can affect communication- when should I share this, and will what is happening around us going to make communication more or less effective?

When actively communicating with someone else, watch:

• The words you choose to use
• Your body language and expression
• The receiver’s body language and expression

Listening

Listening skills are just as important as speaking skills when working with others. While most of the time, we likely think about what we will share, developing active listening skills will help you avoid conflicts that are due to misunderstandings.

Listening: receiving, interpreting, evaluating, and responding to verbal or non-verbal messages

Much of our listening occurs unconsciously as we absorb information through our senses. Our brains process what is happening around us and what other people are communicating verbally and non-verbally extremely quickly, without us consciously processing what is happening. We are constantly forming judgments and ideas from our environment and the speaker- and words are only part of what we use.

For this reason, practicing active listening is important- and like other skills, practicing will improve our ability to listen actively. Active listening is a state where you pay attention to the speaker, ensure you understand what they communicate, and respond in a way that makes sense and continues the communication.

Things to do while listening actively:

• Pay attention to the speaker, make eye contact when appropriate, and nod (or use other active body language that shows you are attentive).
• Notice non-verbal cues and consider how they affect the message.
• Ask questions to clarify or confirm your understanding and to ask for more details or information.
• Pay attention to and reflect the speaker’s emotions with your non-verbal signals.
• Rephrase or summarize what the speaker says.
• Avoid forming your opinion or judgment; listen fully to what is shared.

The goal of active listening is to understand, not respond. By remembering this, you can accurately receive communication from others and are more likely to avoid conflict and build collaboration with them.

You can use your active listening skills to understand someone’s perspective, appreciate or enjoy an experience, learn new things, form opinions, and adjust your mindset, ideas, or viewpoint.

A special note about email

Email is an extremely important communication tool for college. Your instructors and the college staff will use email to contact you about classes, assignments, requirements, events, and instructions. It is important that you use your campus email; colleges use their email system for security and privacy reasons. You will likely miss important messages and deadlines if you do not use your college email. If you send an email from your personal email, your faculty or college staff may not see your message or answer it.

Emailing an instructor

You should email your instructor when you need information or clarification or to share about classes and progress. Emails to instructors should stay focused on what you need to share (and what you want from them) and be brief, friendly, and clear. It is a good idea to avoid angry or aggressive language. You also may want to limit details about your personal life and health to details that affect classes. You can always ask to speak during office hours to talk about concerns in more detail (remember, many instructors can meet online and in person).

A good email starts with a descriptive subject that includes your class number and section

The body of your email should include:

•  A friendly greeting with your instructor’s name (that they use in class).
• State your problem and what you need or want from your instructor.
• Provide any necessary additional details.
• Sign off with your name (as it is in class, plus any nicknames or shortened names you use in class), your student ID, and your class name, course number, and section number.

You might have noticed that the ideas of empathy, respect, awareness, and communication are connected. Each of these strengthens (or weakens) the other- and using them together can help you avoid conflict or find ways to collaborate and move forward when conflict does, as it will, occur.

Situational awareness in the college environment

In the classroom and in public areas in your college, you need to be aware of what is happening before you become part of the discussion or activity. Context matters, and what is happening will shape how people interpret what you say and do. This is especially important when you join a class already in progress, a group that is already working together, or an activity after it begins. Spending a little time observing the situation can answer your questions and prevent you from making assumptions that could cause conflict. Awareness of what is happening and adjusting how you react and what you say and do will help you join in quickly.

Situational awareness relies on the following steps:

• Quickly analyze what is happening in a space or group,  matching what is happening to previous experiences you have had
• Decide what actions you could and should take

The key is being AWARE of what others are doing and saying and then ADJUSTING your reactions.

When joining a group, class, or social situation, consider:

• What are the group members doing?
• What roles do I expect to see and what do I see in action?
• How does this space feel? How do I feel?
• Should I stay silent or speak?
• What is the mental tone of the group?

One of the situations where you want to pay careful attention to what is happening is when you enter a class late or when you rejoin a class after being absent. In these situations, when you enter a classroom, look around and see who is present, who is speaking, and what the group is doing. Making eye contact with people can encourage them to speak to you; avoiding eye contact implies that you do not want attention.

• If your instructor is speaking, you likely want to avoid eye contact and sit down quickly. A good tip is if you are late for class, look through the window (if possible) and enter the room ready to work or take notes (instead of emptying your backpack, you could have your laptop or notepad and pen ready).
• If a student is giving a presentation, you should wait until they are done before you enter the classroom. While many instructors can adjust to interruptions in lectures and discussions, students who are formally speaking for a grade could find your entrance disruptive. Some instructors will even hang a note on the door saying to wait until the speaker is done.

When you are in public spaces on campus, you also want to know who is around you and what is happening. Some spaces have expectations of how people behave- for example, in the library or computer lab, people are typically quiet. Conversations are common in the cafeteria and outside. Running in the halls usually causes concern among everyone. Breaking these unspoken rules can cause conflict, and being around people who break these rules can include you in conflicts, even if you are not the one being loud or running.

It is important that you stay AWARE when entering new situations or groups. This means avoiding anything that can distract you (like technology or your emotional state), diminish your ability to use your senses, or make your analysis inaccurate (for example, being too confident about what is happening before you enter).

Understanding Conflict

Conflict happens because two people or groups do not agree. You can feel conflicted within yourself when you are learning and trying to match what you’ve learned before or have been told with what you are hearing or experiencing now.

Conflict is a mismatch that occurs because people have different information, interpret information differently, or have different goals, values, or motivations.

Managing conflict

If you find yourself in conflict with someone else, for example, another student or your instructor, your first step is to decide if it is worth discussing. Sometimes conflict is actually the other person having a bad day, and other times, the conflict is not important enough to discuss. In this case, you might AVOID the conflict, change the topic environment or situations, or stop engaging with the person altogether. You could also accommodate the other person by focusing on what they believe is best, want, or need. These are ways to calm a conflict and can be used when you do not feel the issue is worth working through or want to end the conversation.

If you do want to address the conflict, you have to choose between: COMPROMISE, COMPETING, or COLLABORATING with the other person or group.

• When you compromise, you seek a quick way to end the conflict by finding something you can agree on. You may not prevent future conflicts or create a solution that works well, but you can end the conflict and move on.
• When you choose to compete with someone, you are likely escalating the conflict, increasing the emotion and disagreement. In this scenario, you value your choice or idea and are unwilling to work with the other person.
• Collaborating with the other person allows you to share information, match your goals, and find a solution or way forward that meets both of your needs.

You can learn more about strategies to resolve conflict by reading about the Thomas-Killmann model, by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann.

If you choose to work with others to resolve the conflict because everyone agrees that it is worth the effort and potential outcome, you can:

1. Identify the reason for the conflict. Is it due to having different information? Or to interpret information differently? Is there a difference in values, goals, or motivations?
2. Decide what a good outcome would be. A good resolution may not mean that either person gets what they want, but that they can continue to respect each other and interact in a healthy way.
3. Set guidelines for how you’ll work together and what you’ll work on (hint: decide how you will communicate and how work will be completed).

You cannot work through conflict with someone who is not willing to work with you. While you can avoid conflict or choose to accommodate someone else, you cannot compromise, compete, or collaborate without the other person’s agreement. Just as conflict involves two people or groups, working through a conflict takes both parties to come to a positive resolution.

Cultural conflict

As a college student, you may feel culture shock when you first attend your classes and become active on campus. Colleges have people from many different cultures, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflict. Culture, which often bonds members of a group together, can be a source of conflict when you have different cultural expectations, language use, and experiences. One of the best things about going to college is meeting people from different backgrounds. Still, you have to be able to cope with differences and realize that different ideas, experiences, or expectations should not prevent you from learning together and becoming friends.

Culture: shared beliefs, values, language, and behaviors developed by a group of people with  common experiences

You are a member of many cultures, including your family and ethnic or religious backgrounds, and each helps you form your beliefs and values. Your cultural background has a substantial impact on who you are and what you do. You may join groups with their own cultures, such as in your high school, or sports, arts, or other interests. Remember, each group develops its own culture.

For example, each group you are a member of has expectations of body language (including personal space, physical contact, eye contact, or handshakes), speech (including word choice, tone, volume, and speed), use of names (do you use first names or titles such as Mr/Ms?). This is just a small set of what cultural expectations affect.

It is important to remember that someone with different cultural experiences may interpret your words or actions differently than what you meant. You may interpret their words or actions in a way that they did not mean.

College also has a specific culture, with its own language and customs. There are specific expectations of students, both formal (code of conduct) and informal (what people expect in classes and on campus). While some expectations are common across many colleges, each college develops its culture. The more you interact with your college campus and observe interactions among students, faculty, and staff, the more you will identify your college’s cultural expectations and norms.

Typical Elements of College Culture

It’s good to talk to other people!

• It is ok to say hello to people you don’t know.
• There are public areas on campus where people hang out, like cafeterias, lounge spaces in buildings, and outside.
• Making eye contact is expected in formal (class or individual meetings) and informal (social or casual) interactions.

Classes are learning environments led by faculty instructors (often called “professor”).

• During lectures, you can ask questions but should not be using technology for non-class activities, talking with other students, or behaving in a way that distracts your class.
• Instructors discuss topics and periodically ask you to demonstrate your learning through papers, projects, and tests.
• The course syllabus gives an outline of expectations, procedures, and the semester schedule – and you should refer to it when you have questions.

You need to prepare for class before attending.

• You are expected to read before class, take notes on readings, and make sure you are prepared to be active in class.
• Many instructors use course management systems like Brightspace/D2L, Canvas, or Blackboard. You should check these frequently (every day or every other day).
• Instructors may or may not remind you of assignments; you should watch the syllabus and course learning management site to be sure you know about deadlines and assignment details.

You should attend class, even if it’s not part of your grade.

• Material presented in class may not be something you can learn independently, and faculty do not need to catch you up on what you miss.
• You may not be able to make up missing classwork, graded activities, or tests.
• If you are missing a class, it is your responsibility to contact other students for notes and to let the instructor know what you missed and how you will recover.

You are responsible for your own learning, but you are not alone.

• You are in charge of your learning, including when you need to reach out for help or have questions.
• Faculty want you to talk to them about your progress in classes and welcome meetings and discussions, especially as soon as you find yourself struggling. Conversations later are welcome but may be less helpful. Instructors hold office hours where any student can ask questions.
• Support staff, including tutoring services, writing support, and the library, are available if you ask for assistance.

The quality of your work matters.

• Your instructor has expectations for your work; if you are not sure of those expectations, you should talk to them.
• Your work is expected to be your own, with you giving credit (citing) others when you use their word (not just their words).
• For every credit hour, you are expected to have 1-3 hours of independent work (studying, reading, writing, or completing other learning tasks). If you have much or much less work, you should look at your course site and syllabus and talk with others to ensure you are not missing things.

You are expected to plan ahead for next semester and watch your grade point average (GPA).

• Classes are planned for the next semester somewhere around the middle of the current semester, and you will need to connect with your advisor to stay on track.
• Your GPA is a measure of what you’ve done and what you’ve demonstrated that you’ve learned.
• If you fail a course, do not panic. Because college is a long game, working with your advisor and support areas on campus can help you retake and pass a course.

Your college will also have its own school spirit and social culture. Some colleges are very social, while others focus on studying and class-related activities. In every college though, you will find a variety of people with many different social styles and preferences. While you want to know what is available at your college, you should focus on finding people who share your interests and values. You should not feel pressured to take part in activities like drinking or sexual exploration or in any social experience that feels uncomfortable or risky for you.

College discourse

One hallmark of college is how scholars- both faculty and students- talk to each other. Discourse is more than talking; it is the sharing of ideas using a common language with a shared goal. In college, that discourse is focused on creating, sharing, and analyzing ideas. The language used in this can be uncomfortable when you are not used to academic discussions.

Think of college (or academic) discourse as a debate- and not as a conflict. Debating asks us to take a stance and use evidence and language to demonstrate that we are correct in what we think. In a college environment, faculty and students have many deeply held beliefs and ideas and critical examination of these beliefs and ideas leads to a better understanding of ourselves and others. It also leads to a clearer and deeper understanding of a topic, as everyone in a debate strives to understand more. Remember, in a debate, the focus is the topic, not the person, and personal attacks should not be part of the process.

You can work to avoid conflicts by monitoring how you act and react- and manage conflicts by collaborating to find mutual solutions. Typically, conflicts in college involve ideas and working together, and they are not aggressive or violent. If you find yourself in a conflict that is hard to manage or where you feel threatened and unsafe, you should seek help on campus as soon as possible.